“You literally can build with a man, dedicate all, give all and in a blink you will be reduced to nothing in his eyes. You become as fickle as a paper in the wind. You become a burden, you become something he loathes and wishes away. You become disposable. Oh life, how cruel can you get. I have been depressed and suicidal. Honestly I am not okay. I am frozen” –
Koku Lwanga.
These heart-wrenching words from Koku Lwanga, the estranged wife of veteran actor Martin Githinji (known as Daddie Marto), give us a clear picture of the dangers of being ‘Barbara the Builder’ in a relationship.
Being ‘Barbara the Builder’ in a relationship refers to the tendency of some women investing excessive time, energy, and resources into ‘building up’ their partner or the relationship itself. While dedication and support are crucial in any partnership, there is a thin line between being supportive and sacrificing your own well-being.
When one person in a relationship takes on the role of ‘builder,’ it often leads to an imbalance of effort. It can be seen when you are constantly managing your partner’s emotions and needs, investing money into your partner’s dreams or businesses, and putting your own ambitions on hold to support theirs
Through Koku Lwanga’s situation, it is obvious that the price you pay to being ‘Barbara the Builder’ can be severe. It is especially bad when infidelity, violence and disrespect are included in the situation. The price tag includes:
* Losing your sense of self
* Becoming emotionally dependent
* Taken for granted
* Depression/stress
* Low self-esteem
How can you avoid the pitfalls of being ‘Barbara the Builder’?
1. Maintaining your own identity
2. Pursuing personal goals and interests
3. Setting healthy boundaries
4. Ensuring equal effort and investment from both partners
Self-Care Strategies
Implementing self-care strategies can help maintain a healthy balance in your relationship:
* Regular alone time for personal hobbies
* Maintaining friendships outside the relationship
* Seeking therapy or counseling when needed
* Practicing mindfulness and self-reflection
Recognizing Red Flags
Being aware of potential red flags can help you avoid falling into the ‘Barbara the Builder’ trap. Some warning signs include:
1. Your partner consistently puts their needs before yours
2. You feel guilty for pursuing your own interests
3. Your partner criticizes or belittles your achievements
4. You’re always the one making compromises
5. Your partner takes your efforts for granted
Building a Healthy Relationship
Instead of being ‘Barbara the Builder,’ focus on building a healthy, balanced relationship where both partners contribute equally. This involves:
1. Mutual respect and support
2. Shared goals and values
3. Individual growth alongside relationship growth
4. Open and honest communication
5. Equal distribution of emotional labor
The Role of Compromise
While compromise is essential in any relationship, it should never come at the cost of your well-being. Healthy compromise means:
* Both partners are willing to adjust
* Neither person feels resentful afterwards
* The outcome benefits the relationship as a whole.
The story of Koku Lwanga and Daddy Marto is saddening because a lot of women are held up in such holds. Koku’s situation is a reminder why you shouldn’t be ‘Barbara the Builder’ in your relationship. Yes, it is natural to want to support and nurture your partner, but it should never come at the expense of your own well-being and happiness.
Remember, a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, equal effort, and shared growth. By prioritizing self-preservation and recognizing red flags early on, you can avoid the emotional devastation that comes from investing too much in a one-sided relationship.
Have you ever found yourself in a ‘Barbara the Builder’ situation? Kindly share your experiences and how you overcame them in the comments below.
You are valuable! You are worthy of love! You are deserving of a balanced and healthy relationship. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.
