You remember that fluttery feeling when he surprises you with gifts, dates, opening every door, and doting on you like absolute royalty? It feels great, doesn’t it? Up until you pick up how he speaks of his ex.
She was insane. “Total psycho”, “Toxic”, “Manipulative nightmare.”
There is hardly a red flag brighter than when someone makes you feel like a queen but talks about his prior relationships as horror stories. Talking about their exes can tell you a lot about how the individual manages their relationship dynamics and conflicts.
And this is what you have to learn: the tendency of idealizing you and demonizing others is not romantic, it is troubling. because when you check out those crazy ex stories, you may find something wild out of your wildest dreams about the tale teller.
However, hold on a sec, he must be wonderful to you so why should the past count?
How does he Treat the Women in his Past?
Men who constantly trash their ex are previewing your future with them. Consider this? He once loved this woman enough to make a life with her but now she is crazy or impossible. You are witnessing his way of treating relationship breakages: making the other party the bad guy, so that he does not blame himself.
Listen, does he refer to them as psycho, bitter or dramatic? This is not just random insults, it is how he makes the history bend his way so to speak. You may believe that you are special, but when the shit hits the fan, you will most probably turn out to be the next crazy ex.
The psychology of men that turn cruel to charming
You ever see how there are some guys who appear to have a Jekyll and Hyde attitude? They are Prince charming when they are talking to you but monsters when they talk about their ex. This habit is based on the desire to dominate narratives. They label exes as crazy or hard to handle, therefore labeling themselves as the victim and pre-conditioning you that you will be treated the same way once you go against them.
How the honeymoon phase covers up future behavior
That honeymoon phase? It is made to get you hooked. The love notes, dates, compliments, and the one-on-one attention are incredible but in most cases strategic. You are not getting the real person you are getting his highlights reel. At this stage, you are less sensitive to red flags since you are trailing in feel-good chemicals and the possibility of what could be.
The difference between love bombing and the real respect
Love bombing causes you to feel powerfully overwhelmed physical gifts, early I love you’s, checking in all the time. True respect, though, is developed over time. It is not explosive but consistent. When someone really holds you in high esteem, they will uphold your boundaries, will listen attentively to you, and cares about your opinions-even when they are opposite. Their behavior is consistent with their words, not only when they desire something.
The real reasons behind the “crazy ex” narrative
When he tells you his ex is “crazy,” what he’s really saying is: “I don’t want to acknowledge my role in her pain.” The “crazy ex” narrative is meant to make him look good. When he dismisses her as irrational, it impacts you in a way. For example:
- It prevents you from hearing her perspective
- He makes himself a victim of the breakup
- He creates a false illusion that he will treat you differently because you are not ‘crazy’
Surprisingly, if you could speak with this ‘crazy’ ex, you will find a woman who was once treated just like you, until she wasn’t.
The sweet and romantic behavior he shows you now existed with her too, before responsibility entered the picture and he changed.
Breaking the “I’m Special” Delulu
You listened to him speak of his crazy ex, and you said to yourself, I could never be like that. It is nice to think that you will be special, that he will treat you differently since you are more understanding, patient, less demanding or generally better in some way. It is this reasoning that becomes the trap to continue the cycle.
As you sit nodding like him, as he politely puts down his ex that way, you are also buying that same ticket. The competitive femininity, the, I am not like all those other girls, attitude, places you in competition with women who were once just where you are, now. And keep this thought in mind: He tells the story of her because he is going to tell a similar story about you some day.
Protecting Yourself from Becoming “The Next Ex”
You have to dig beyond simply taking his version of the break up story. Ask targeted questions such as how conflicts were solve, why the relationship came to its end and what he learnt in the process. Notice the way he discusses the ex- he is talking of her with respect despite the resentment, or does he describe himself as the perfect victim and label her as either crazy or impossible?
You are worthy of a partner who will treat people in his past with respect, no matter how that relationship ended. You should never jump in to trash-talk with your ex, as though you understand or are a cool person. Rather, state how you feel uncomfortable with this type of talk and give your reasons why it makes you worry about your own future with him.
Always remember the way you allow that someone to talk about the people surrounding you, defines your relationship with him or her. When he dismisses your boundary or becomes defensive when you point out disrespectful behavior, this is one big red flag. A man worth being with will consider your concerns instead of attempting to rationalize why his ex has a right to disrespect.
